Perspective

This article in New York Magazine (via ali loves curtis) was really interesting for me to read on a day where my kids have been less than cooperative.  We didn't have good naps today, Charlie woke me up at 2am, Davey was up by 5am, Charlie has a scratch on her face from Davey getting mad at her and Davey got his hand smashed by Charlie getting back at him.  The volume has been cranked to 13 throughout the day.  There's also been cute moments and I know that my parenting experience isn't typical, but still, I know that even with just one, you can't anticipate how hard it will be.  And even if you think "I know it'll be hard in the beginning, but it's worth it", yes it is worth it, but you can't anticipate just how long that "beginning" actually is.  Not to freak out any future mothers that might read this, but the beginning is NOT a month or two. 

Reading this article made me feel good and bad.  I don't hate parenting.  I almost hate some days.  But I don't hate parenting.  It's my life.  I don't want to hate my life.  So I feel bad that I related to a lot of this article.  On the other hand, I appreciate that there's actual statistical data that supports feelings the way I do sometimes.  Charlie and Davey are beautiful amazing people and I am blessed that they are part of my life. I'm lucky the came to me. I will always feel that way.  But it's hard, yall.  Kids are hard.

My dad and I have had a lot of back and forth about this (he's who I call when I have the full on melt downs with the crying and everything) and I emailed him a link to this article.  This was his response, for those looking for further perspective (like me):

This passage says it all. You need to read "Home Work" by Wendell Berry. I've got it at home. I'll show it to you later.
I certainly feel blessed by having children, although I don't feel like I did all that much raising. Maybe that's the point. Maybe people put TOO MUCH into this raising thing. Keep them from killing themselves and others, get them grown...
If I have one over arching regret it's that I didn't require enough chores of my children. They need chores to feel like productive members of the family. Wendell says it better. I'll show you that essay.

"Before urbanization, children were viewed as economic assets to their parents. If you had a farm, they toiled alongside you to maintain its upkeep; if you had a family business, the kids helped mind the store. But all of this dramatically changed with the moral and technological revolutions of modernity. As we gained in prosperity, childhood came increasingly to be viewed as a protected, privileged time, and once college degrees became essential to getting ahead, children became not only a great expense but subjects to be sculpted, stimulated, instructed, groomed. (The Princeton sociologist Viviana Zelizer describes this transformation of a child’s value in five ruthless words: “Economically worthless but emotionally priceless.”) Kids, in short, went from being our staffs to being our bosses."

This was the part that stuck out most to me:

“I think this boils down to a philosophical question, rather than a psychological one,” says Gilovich. “Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” He says he has no answer for this, but the example he offers suggests a bias. He recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. “I wouldn’t have said it was too fun at the time,” he says. “But now I look back on it and say, ‘Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?’ ” The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.


It’s a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it’s just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment.

I love being a mom.  Sometimes I have to remind myself of that and even convince myself of that, but I love being a mom.  These babies are wonderful.  Truly.